Sleep. Again.
I came to terms with the fact that my kids might and might not nap. Before that, though, I emailed the girls in my multiples group for some advice on what to do about sleeping, beds, etc. I got one very good piece of advice that helped me focus and come out of my stupor and frustration and exhaustion and figure out what I needed to do.
The long and short of it was that I (and they) needed something concrete and measurable. It is advice based on Love and Logic. I needed to figure out what it was I wanted my kids to do, and what I would do if they didn't do it (what the consequence would be for them). I KNOW this. This is typically how I parent my kids. But I was drowning and couldn't see this.
Luckily I got this piece of advice the day after I came to peace with my kids not sleeping, because I have learned that, sadly, you cannot force children to sleep, even when they need it. So here is what I decided to do.
My kids MUST STAY IN/ON THEIR BED. That is where my line is. I don't care if they're jumping, screaming, laughing, reading, playing, crying, or sleeping. But if they stay on their bed they can't mess with the other boys or wake them up, they can't fight, they can't pull doors off hinges, they can't slam fingers in doors.
Per my friends suggestion, I tried taking them from the room and putting them in a pack n play in a different room if they got off of their bed. That was ugly. One was in the hall, one in the living room. Not only was it a pain, it wasn't really effective because they can get out of the pack n play and just think that it's a fun new toy. So I tried that for 2 days.
The second day I realized that they WERE upset if I took away their blankets and pillows and animals. So I have been doing that. If they get out of bed, I take all that stuff. They do NOT like that. After 5 minutes or so I have been giving it back. (I might stop that, though, once they get the cause/effect of it. So maybe Tuesday I will start just taking them for the entire time...?)
Anyway, it has been going ok. I feel like they are starting to get it. There is always one kid who understands each time, and I don't have to take blankets away from him, but it is a different kid each time. :)
The hardest part is that I want to train them to do this in the morning too, so that they're not fighting or waking each other up in the morning. Saturday morning they woke up at 5:15. SERIOUSLY. 7:00 is the typical getup time in our house. Sunday was 5:45 (C both times). I took a blanket and pillow and laid on their floor and dozed and took blankets away as necessary, but only once each morning. I hope to keep in up for a few more days, but for the love, I want to end it sooooon!
I have been able to be consistent with them because it is so easily measurable: are they on their bed or not? It is a bit harder when they get off a second time, after I have already taken their stuff away. Then, they are normally screaming but I have been trying to praise the other kids a lot, which causes the offender to get back to bed. It has been a lot of work, but I am hoping that since it is so clear cut (stay on your bed!!!!) that they will be able to learn how to do it.
Not sure if this will work. Praying, praying, praying it does. If it does this will allow me to have quiet time for the next few years...even when they do stop napping, if they know to stay on their beds and read or play, but not get off, then maybe it will help...?
That's my next step. Will keep you posted :)
Showing posts with label discipline. Show all posts
Showing posts with label discipline. Show all posts
Sunday, May 29, 2011
Monday, February 7, 2011
How it's done: discipline
After teaching high school and watching first hand how children who were not disciplined turned out, I knew that discipline would be a high priority for us. Nate and I both had parents who were not afraid to discipline us, and Mom WAS that mean mom, and I am (now!) entirely grateful for that. I also knew that I would rather discipline my kids now instead of try to when they were 13.
For Z, the things we deal with most are backtalk and a "rude voice", along with "whining and complaining". There is the occasional hitting or throwing or something else, but we are mostly past that. For him, most often he ends up in timeout, or he will occasionally get some soap in his mouth. We make sure that he understands what he did wrong, and make him say "Mom, I was wrong to use a rude voice. Will you please forgive me?" (or whatever it was). I'm not sure that this is the right way, but it is what we do.
The little boys...wow. This is what is difficult. There are no books, to my knowledge, on disciplining and dealing with multiples. I've looked. It is a very different ballgame than with siblings of different ages, since they are all learning the same things at the same time. Our biggest problems with them are hitting, biting, not sharing, snatching, and throwing. I think that's it. ;) Before Christmas if they were snatching or throwing or not sharing we would simply say, "NO throw, that is not ok" or whatever. For the biting and hitting though, there was one kid in trouble and one kid crying and the other kid in the middle. I read somewhere that it is more important to deal with the hurt one first (so as not to give negative attention to the kid in trouble). Didn't work so well, because by the time I got to the "bad" kid, he had no idea what on earth he was in trouble for. So my method became to hug and snuggle the hurt kid, talking about how sad I was he was hurt and how sorry I was that his brother hurt him and how that is not nice, etc, and then hold the "bad" kid by the wrists as he flailed around screaming, occasionally turning to him and saying "No hit, it hurts, that is not how we treat brothers, no hit". The third kid was normally trying to climb in my lap, and Z was bouncing off the walls. Not pretty. Not even sure if it was effective. But it was something. And when the kid was out of timeout, he had to go be "soft" to his brother and pet his head. (Pretty cute.)
Since January, though, I decided that they are old enough for an actual timeout for pretty much anything (biting, hitting, throwing, etc). In our house, whoever is in trouble puts his hands on the wall (any wall, anywhere, that is the beauty of this) and stands there until I say he is done (30 seconds to a minute is all the longer the "bad" kid, me, and other kids can handle it). I started out having to hold his hands on the wall and hold him there, saying "no hit, you are in timeout" etc. It has gotten better, but I certainly am not able to just say "go to timeout!". The boys are a bit older now and while they still hit and bite, I feel like it has gotten better since the fall/winter, so I'm not having to calm the hurt kid down as much. Actually, now that I think about it, I doubt it has gotten better, but they are more used to it, so don't scream and cry as much. This is a major work in progress. I have no clue what I'm doing.
Occasionally I do swat my kids, too. I think mostly I do it if there is actual danger or if they are being totally disobedient and know it, or if I clearly need to make my point (climbing out of cribs!).
I know this is going to be the hardest part of parenting. It has gotten much harder with Z as he has gotten older, and with the little boys it is just hard to be consistent. If one hits another, and the second hits back, do I discipline that? What if one snatched but the other didn't care? Hard to be consistent. Again, I have no clue what I'm doing. By the grace of God, my children will grow up to be kids who respect adults and obey directions, and are kind and loving to others. That is my prayer for them.
For Z, the things we deal with most are backtalk and a "rude voice", along with "whining and complaining". There is the occasional hitting or throwing or something else, but we are mostly past that. For him, most often he ends up in timeout, or he will occasionally get some soap in his mouth. We make sure that he understands what he did wrong, and make him say "Mom, I was wrong to use a rude voice. Will you please forgive me?" (or whatever it was). I'm not sure that this is the right way, but it is what we do.
The little boys...wow. This is what is difficult. There are no books, to my knowledge, on disciplining and dealing with multiples. I've looked. It is a very different ballgame than with siblings of different ages, since they are all learning the same things at the same time. Our biggest problems with them are hitting, biting, not sharing, snatching, and throwing. I think that's it. ;) Before Christmas if they were snatching or throwing or not sharing we would simply say, "NO throw, that is not ok" or whatever. For the biting and hitting though, there was one kid in trouble and one kid crying and the other kid in the middle. I read somewhere that it is more important to deal with the hurt one first (so as not to give negative attention to the kid in trouble). Didn't work so well, because by the time I got to the "bad" kid, he had no idea what on earth he was in trouble for. So my method became to hug and snuggle the hurt kid, talking about how sad I was he was hurt and how sorry I was that his brother hurt him and how that is not nice, etc, and then hold the "bad" kid by the wrists as he flailed around screaming, occasionally turning to him and saying "No hit, it hurts, that is not how we treat brothers, no hit". The third kid was normally trying to climb in my lap, and Z was bouncing off the walls. Not pretty. Not even sure if it was effective. But it was something. And when the kid was out of timeout, he had to go be "soft" to his brother and pet his head. (Pretty cute.)
Since January, though, I decided that they are old enough for an actual timeout for pretty much anything (biting, hitting, throwing, etc). In our house, whoever is in trouble puts his hands on the wall (any wall, anywhere, that is the beauty of this) and stands there until I say he is done (30 seconds to a minute is all the longer the "bad" kid, me, and other kids can handle it). I started out having to hold his hands on the wall and hold him there, saying "no hit, you are in timeout" etc. It has gotten better, but I certainly am not able to just say "go to timeout!". The boys are a bit older now and while they still hit and bite, I feel like it has gotten better since the fall/winter, so I'm not having to calm the hurt kid down as much. Actually, now that I think about it, I doubt it has gotten better, but they are more used to it, so don't scream and cry as much. This is a major work in progress. I have no clue what I'm doing.
Occasionally I do swat my kids, too. I think mostly I do it if there is actual danger or if they are being totally disobedient and know it, or if I clearly need to make my point (climbing out of cribs!).
I know this is going to be the hardest part of parenting. It has gotten much harder with Z as he has gotten older, and with the little boys it is just hard to be consistent. If one hits another, and the second hits back, do I discipline that? What if one snatched but the other didn't care? Hard to be consistent. Again, I have no clue what I'm doing. By the grace of God, my children will grow up to be kids who respect adults and obey directions, and are kind and loving to others. That is my prayer for them.
Saturday, June 19, 2010
Chore chart
Z has been doing chores for a long time, but we about 6 weeks ago we finally got it onto a chart for him so he knows what to expect, and so I don't lose my ever loving mind nagging him to get his stuff done so we can get out the door (hm, note some annoyance there?).
Every morning, after we eat, I set an egg timer for 24 mintues and the kitchen timer for 25 minutes (that way he has a warning). We made a chart that goes on the fridge that has everything he needs to do in that time, or else he will lose his TV time (which really punished both of us). He has to get dressed, go potty, brush his teeth, get his shoes on, clear the breakfast table, and unload the dishwasher (the silverware and all the kid plates and cups). 25 minutes should be plenty of time for that, right?
Well, most days, yes it is. And he is so proud of himself when he gets it all done. "MOM! I beat it!" I love it because it allows him independence, and he can choose what to do when. Yesterday he walked around with his shirt and his shoes on, nothing else, and did the rest of his chores. He knows what has to be done, and he knows what will happen if he doesn't get them done.
However, 2 of the last 3 mornings he has not gotten his stuff done. He has dawdled around, messed with his brothers, annoyed me, disobeyed me, disrespected me, sat in time out, whined, gotten "hurt" as he played around, argued, complained, played with legos...you get the idea. I give him a few warnings and tell him to check the timer, but ultimately, it is his call. And he knows it. It drives me nuts, but I know we need to teach him this.
In the evening, we do something similar, but there is no chart, yet. He helps Nate clear the dinner table, gets on pjs, picks up the toys, and does whatever else we ask (maybe trash, maybe put some laundry away). If we have time, we can read or watch TV or he can wrestle with Nate. If not, well, it's bedtime. We are not as hard core at night, because we don't have to be (like in the morning, I need him to get in the habit of getting out the door on time).
We have considered giving him tokens of some sort if he gets his morning chores done on time, along with a morning and afternoon "attitude" token that he can turn in for snacks, TV, or computer time, instead of just assuming TV time with the morning chores. Will keep you posted as we adapt, but so far it has worked well.
Every morning, after we eat, I set an egg timer for 24 mintues and the kitchen timer for 25 minutes (that way he has a warning). We made a chart that goes on the fridge that has everything he needs to do in that time, or else he will lose his TV time (which really punished both of us). He has to get dressed, go potty, brush his teeth, get his shoes on, clear the breakfast table, and unload the dishwasher (the silverware and all the kid plates and cups). 25 minutes should be plenty of time for that, right?
Well, most days, yes it is. And he is so proud of himself when he gets it all done. "MOM! I beat it!" I love it because it allows him independence, and he can choose what to do when. Yesterday he walked around with his shirt and his shoes on, nothing else, and did the rest of his chores. He knows what has to be done, and he knows what will happen if he doesn't get them done.
However, 2 of the last 3 mornings he has not gotten his stuff done. He has dawdled around, messed with his brothers, annoyed me, disobeyed me, disrespected me, sat in time out, whined, gotten "hurt" as he played around, argued, complained, played with legos...you get the idea. I give him a few warnings and tell him to check the timer, but ultimately, it is his call. And he knows it. It drives me nuts, but I know we need to teach him this.
In the evening, we do something similar, but there is no chart, yet. He helps Nate clear the dinner table, gets on pjs, picks up the toys, and does whatever else we ask (maybe trash, maybe put some laundry away). If we have time, we can read or watch TV or he can wrestle with Nate. If not, well, it's bedtime. We are not as hard core at night, because we don't have to be (like in the morning, I need him to get in the habit of getting out the door on time).
We have considered giving him tokens of some sort if he gets his morning chores done on time, along with a morning and afternoon "attitude" token that he can turn in for snacks, TV, or computer time, instead of just assuming TV time with the morning chores. Will keep you posted as we adapt, but so far it has worked well.
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