It has been 3 years today since mom passed away. Today is another perfect, gorgeous September day, just like it has been (at least) the past 3 years on this day. We played in the front yard this morning with jackets on, and I talked on the phone, just like I did that day (different conversation content, and much more action in the yard this time!).
It gets easier without her every year, but I still miss her. I always will.
I randomly saw someone post this on facebook a few months ago:
At age 4: Mom knows everything! At 8: Mom knows a lot! At 12: Mom really doesn't know everything.... At 14: Mom doesn't know a thing! At 16: Mom who? At 18: That's old school! At 25: Maybe mom knows about this. At 35: Let's ask mom before deciding. At 45: I wonder what mom would think about this? At 75: I wish I could ask mom about this!
It made me sad to read it then, and it makes me sad again to read it now. I'm sad that 75 was 29 here...or 30, 31, 32, and that I never actually got to the "needing" mom stages...it ended in the "maybe mom knows...but I'm not really sure I want her opinion" stage. The longer I am a mom, the more I want to ask her stuff. How did she do this? What are her thoughts on that? How did she survive single parenting? Was I like that as a kid? What were my favorite things?
I wish she was around to run errands with me (wouldn't it be nice for her to just sit in the car while I ran into the library to pick up the books on hold, and have random conversations with as I drove?). I wish she could see my boys. I know she would have a soft spot for N...she would love that he is a total stinker. The little boys are the exact same age Z was when she died. I can't believe that that was all she knew of him...19 months. I am sad she didn't get to see when he is growing up into. We make sure to tell Z (and the little boys, sort of) about Grandma Lora, and how much she loved them, even though they were just "stinky boys". I give Z "kisses" (I wrote a post about that once, I think in my old blog?), and make sure he knows that Grandma Lora gave the same kisses to mama when she was a little girl. I wish the boys could have known her, her strength, her love for us. I worry I'm not telling the boys enough about her but I don't remember details about her, and then I feel terrible. I still feel like it is just not fair that she is gone and I didn't get her as long as I should have. I know that is probably dumb, but selfishly I feel that way. I miss having affirmation from her...it is still needed (I get it from many others, but it's just not the same as getting it from your own mom). I am sad she never heard Z call her grandma, and she was waiting for that (he had papa mastered early, just like the little boys do now). I am sad she never got to meet cousin Anna, or see Jenny as a mama. I can only imagine how proud she would have been of Jenny, and of a granddaughter. I miss having my mom around...I don't miss some of the drama that comes from moms and daughters...but man, I do miss my mom. If you're reading this, love your mom. Give her a hug even when she irritates the snot out of you...love her.
And on that note, Nate just got home with Steak N Shake shakes in honor of mom, so I'm off to enjoy. If only she was here to take the cherry.
Showing posts with label past. Show all posts
Showing posts with label past. Show all posts
Monday, September 27, 2010
Friday, September 24, 2010
The alarm
Nate's phone died, but he is not eligible for a new free phone yet, so we traded out my old phone. When I plugged it in (to make sure it still worked and charged up), I noticed I still had a missed call from April 2009. That night, as the phone charged, an old alarm set in the phone went off, but I didn't think much of it until the next night when Nate was setting the alarm to wake himself up, he noticed the alarms set in that phone. 12:15 am, daily. 3:15 am, daily. 6:15 am, daily. Seriously, who sets a daily alarm for those time?
Nate and I took a whirlwind memory trip back to early April 2009. The boys had just come home. The alarm was set to wake us up to feed them and for me to pump. We did NOT rely on them waking up because a) they were on a very strict schedule and I didn't want it thrown off and b) we were so sleep deprived we actually could sleep through them crying.
At that point in time, we would feed them together at 9 and finish at 1030 or so, then I would pump. I would go to bed and Nate would stay up on baby/paci duty, or he would sometimes go to bed. We would both get up at midnight and he would feed all 3 while I pumped and went straight back to bed (or sometimes helped feed the third one, I think). Then he was on paci duty til 3 (if someone woke up, he was in charge). At 3 I got up and fed all 3 then pumped, and was back in bed by 430 or so, but on paci duty. At 6 we both got up again to feed the boys.
Looking back, HOLY MISERABLE. Nate and I laughed and groaned as we remembered that time...Nate had totally blocked it out! We laughed about how we fed them, what they did, what we did, how we learned, etc, and just reminisced about that time. Seriously, I have no idea how we got through that. We were sooooo exhausted. I am so glad that I blogged about it so I would remember.
And all from that little phone alarm tripping our memory. :)
Nate and I took a whirlwind memory trip back to early April 2009. The boys had just come home. The alarm was set to wake us up to feed them and for me to pump. We did NOT rely on them waking up because a) they were on a very strict schedule and I didn't want it thrown off and b) we were so sleep deprived we actually could sleep through them crying.
At that point in time, we would feed them together at 9 and finish at 1030 or so, then I would pump. I would go to bed and Nate would stay up on baby/paci duty, or he would sometimes go to bed. We would both get up at midnight and he would feed all 3 while I pumped and went straight back to bed (or sometimes helped feed the third one, I think). Then he was on paci duty til 3 (if someone woke up, he was in charge). At 3 I got up and fed all 3 then pumped, and was back in bed by 430 or so, but on paci duty. At 6 we both got up again to feed the boys.
Looking back, HOLY MISERABLE. Nate and I laughed and groaned as we remembered that time...Nate had totally blocked it out! We laughed about how we fed them, what they did, what we did, how we learned, etc, and just reminisced about that time. Seriously, I have no idea how we got through that. We were sooooo exhausted. I am so glad that I blogged about it so I would remember.
And all from that little phone alarm tripping our memory. :)
Wednesday, September 8, 2010
A trip down memory lane
We went to Kirksville this weekend to see Mat and Marbree and to celebrate P's birthday (another post on that later). They live in Kirksville where Mat is a doctor. It is kind of fun to visit them so we can go back to Truman, our alma mater.
We took the boys on Sunday morning to campus (we just didn't get up in time for church, plus the boys were snotty, plus 4 boys in a different church...not a good combination). Can I just say how fun it was?
Here is some background on us and Truman....
Nate and I met the first day of college. His SA (or RA? whatever they were called) became a friend of ours who still goes to church with us. He introduced Nate to me and said they were going over to a CCF event, did I want to go over with them? I was planning on going anyway, but it sure was nice to have someone to go with.
We were good friends that first year. I called him my "brother", and he thought I talked too much. We both kind of dated other people, and there were no romantic feelings between us at all. If you had told me I would marry him, I would have laughed! He was the first person I went to when my grandpa died, though, and he had family in town (his aunt and uncle and their baby boy...now 14!). We would hang out with them, and I think I even went down to his house for a weekend at some point. There were a few of us who all hung out, not just me and Nate, but our roomies as well. And for a laugh, here is one of the first pics taken of me and Nate, fall of 1996. The second is over our spring break mission trip our freshman year (1997).
By sophomore year we were still friends, but there was a bit more to it than that, but not...kind of that weird middle ground. After our sophomore year we drove together to North Carolina to see his aunt and uncle and baby boy, who had moved. That is when our relationship changed, and we were officially dating by the middle of that summer.
We dated for a year, then he proposed at Thousand Hills State Park at the beginning of our senior year. We got married a week after graduation.
Since Nate was on a five year plan and I had one more year of my master's, we lived in Kirksville for our first year together. Oh, the stories I could tell you about the slanted shanty, our first house. That is a whole different post though!
Kirksville has such fun, fun memories for me. Not just me and Nate, although that is a good chunk of it.
I had several AWESOME roommates. In fact, I was blessed enough to have two sets of roomies. I lived with one set of girls my first 2 years, then another set of girls my second two years. Of the first group, I still regularly see 2 of them, since we all live in town and have boys all very close in age, and we love to hang out. Of the second group, none live in town, but we have a yearly hangout (with or without the ridiculous number of kids we all now have).
I loved being involved in SAB...the planning of concerts, movies, and events that came to campus. I learned so much about planning and organizing and being a leader, and got to do so much stuff!
I loved CCF, the Christian group I was a part of. It was amazing for me to grow and learn and worship with a huge group of people...something I hadn't really experienced fully until then. One of the campus ministers from CCF came to St. Louis and began the church that we now attend. I taught several Bible studies there, discipled several girls, and learned from strong, Godly women (and men).
And I just loved college! I mean, what is not to love? All your friends close by, no parents, doing your own thing, but not really in the real world and worrying about life?
I loved walking through campus the other day...seeing the library and remembering where I would study, and how Nate and I would meet there. I loved seeing my first dorm room, and remembering the cafeteria where we ate, and the ice cream and golden grahams treat I would eat so often! I loved looking at the banners for clubs, and the sidewalk chalk advertising stuff. I loved seeing places and having memories flood over me...doing whatever, with them, that year. College was good for me :)
I loved just seeing the students. We saw a couple walking across campus holding hands and I just wanted to say, "HEY! Ten years from now and this is where you'll be...ENJOY it now!!!!" (Not like now is bad, though, just very different).
Anyway, enough of the trip down memory lane...as fun as it was for me!
We let the boys run around the quad (oh, the memories there!) and played hide and seek with Z. We made them walk around with us and I showed Z all the fun stuff on campus. He even got to use a bathroom!
I really didn't get many pictures, but here are a few...
The boys playing on chairs in the middle of the quad.
We took the boys on Sunday morning to campus (we just didn't get up in time for church, plus the boys were snotty, plus 4 boys in a different church...not a good combination). Can I just say how fun it was?
Here is some background on us and Truman....
Nate and I met the first day of college. His SA (or RA? whatever they were called) became a friend of ours who still goes to church with us. He introduced Nate to me and said they were going over to a CCF event, did I want to go over with them? I was planning on going anyway, but it sure was nice to have someone to go with.
We were good friends that first year. I called him my "brother", and he thought I talked too much. We both kind of dated other people, and there were no romantic feelings between us at all. If you had told me I would marry him, I would have laughed! He was the first person I went to when my grandpa died, though, and he had family in town (his aunt and uncle and their baby boy...now 14!). We would hang out with them, and I think I even went down to his house for a weekend at some point. There were a few of us who all hung out, not just me and Nate, but our roomies as well. And for a laugh, here is one of the first pics taken of me and Nate, fall of 1996. The second is over our spring break mission trip our freshman year (1997).
By sophomore year we were still friends, but there was a bit more to it than that, but not...kind of that weird middle ground. After our sophomore year we drove together to North Carolina to see his aunt and uncle and baby boy, who had moved. That is when our relationship changed, and we were officially dating by the middle of that summer.
We dated for a year, then he proposed at Thousand Hills State Park at the beginning of our senior year. We got married a week after graduation.
Since Nate was on a five year plan and I had one more year of my master's, we lived in Kirksville for our first year together. Oh, the stories I could tell you about the slanted shanty, our first house. That is a whole different post though!
Kirksville has such fun, fun memories for me. Not just me and Nate, although that is a good chunk of it.
I had several AWESOME roommates. In fact, I was blessed enough to have two sets of roomies. I lived with one set of girls my first 2 years, then another set of girls my second two years. Of the first group, I still regularly see 2 of them, since we all live in town and have boys all very close in age, and we love to hang out. Of the second group, none live in town, but we have a yearly hangout (with or without the ridiculous number of kids we all now have).
I loved being involved in SAB...the planning of concerts, movies, and events that came to campus. I learned so much about planning and organizing and being a leader, and got to do so much stuff!
I loved CCF, the Christian group I was a part of. It was amazing for me to grow and learn and worship with a huge group of people...something I hadn't really experienced fully until then. One of the campus ministers from CCF came to St. Louis and began the church that we now attend. I taught several Bible studies there, discipled several girls, and learned from strong, Godly women (and men).
And I just loved college! I mean, what is not to love? All your friends close by, no parents, doing your own thing, but not really in the real world and worrying about life?
I loved walking through campus the other day...seeing the library and remembering where I would study, and how Nate and I would meet there. I loved seeing my first dorm room, and remembering the cafeteria where we ate, and the ice cream and golden grahams treat I would eat so often! I loved looking at the banners for clubs, and the sidewalk chalk advertising stuff. I loved seeing places and having memories flood over me...doing whatever, with them, that year. College was good for me :)
I loved just seeing the students. We saw a couple walking across campus holding hands and I just wanted to say, "HEY! Ten years from now and this is where you'll be...ENJOY it now!!!!" (Not like now is bad, though, just very different).
Anyway, enough of the trip down memory lane...as fun as it was for me!
We let the boys run around the quad (oh, the memories there!) and played hide and seek with Z. We made them walk around with us and I showed Z all the fun stuff on campus. He even got to use a bathroom!
I really didn't get many pictures, but here are a few...
The boys playing on chairs in the middle of the quad.
Love this because it says Truman on the back.
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